Sex Toys for Women, Men & Couples
Why Matching Your Erotic Myths are Important to Successful Relationships
on February 11, 2016 in Sex Talk

DYK.coverFor many, this concept may be foreign. In a sex-negative culture, that denies the pleasures of the body and sexual fantasy, most of us have not ventured very far in exploring the unconscious story lines that may be playing out during sex with a partner, or in solitary masturbatory revelry.

I know from my own early experience, and from working with clients who had yet to uncover these inner Erotic stories, they were only glimpsed in those brief ecstatic moments right before the frenzied liberation of orgasm.

In that last minute or so before cumming, the rich truth of one’s Eros, no matter how well hidden, can no longer be held back. It bursts forth and animates the body in wild, fierce gestures. It explodes from the voice in a truncated blasphemy such as…”oh god, fuck me, YES!, please, harder, deeper, slut, whore, bitch”, and less decipherable, primitive grunts and screams. This is just a climactic sound byte from the full story being expressed internally.

In vanilla sex, these last moments before cumming are like unlocking a highly compacted zip file of your Personal Erotic Myth. In that moment, the story is being played out in the subconscious mind like the super speedy talk of the guy reading the disclaimers at the end of those pharmaceutical commercials or car sale ads. Only way faster!

If one were able to slow those last moments before cumming way down, and observe what is really going on, you might get a glimpse of the mythic story that drives you to orgasm. Within that packed and condensed zip file there may be a rich, compelling tale unfolding. It is a story generated and played out deep within your Erotic psyche when you have sex. Like any story, there is prologue, setting, props, attire, lead characters, dialogue, body language and action. There are mythic archetypal personas taking part in the story. Each counterpart represents a dyad drawn from a pantheon of pairs in the collective Erotic archives. Some classic pairs are Daddy/daughter, Mommy/son, Teacher/student, Master/slave, Bad boy/good girl, and Supreme Bitch/cuckold.

There are hundreds of variations. Someone may have a single major theme, or may be able to shift into a variety of these pairings. Often, an over-riding sense of alpha/beta Dominance and submission is at play, and in its more primitive forms, predator/prey.

This brings the unconscious instinctual aspects of our sexuality into view. These are rooted, I believe, in the pre-human psychological structures that are part of our biological ancestry, from the mammalian (Alpha/beta pecking orders) and reptilian (predator/prey survival) stages of evolution. These aspects of our hard-wired psychology and behavior have been shoved way below the surface through the “civilizing” we have undergone as a species over the last several thousand years. Being civilized, cultivated, rational, refined and sophisticated is the mask we wear over our more primitive, instinctual natures.

To discover and embrace your own Personal Erotic Mythos will require taking the time to look at what is happening in the condensed revelations before orgasm.

For some, their erotic stories and fantasies may already be quite well developed and clear, if as yet unexpressed in real time. Many people can begin accessing these parts of themselves through writing erotica, participating in sexual fantasy chat or IM’s, journaling or psychological assessment tools. Some have known exactly who they are erotically since childhood, for others it comes into view later in life. Regardless, the fantasies themselves can be very elaborate and the psychological nuances of their desires decadently compelling.

The recent emergence of Kink oriented sexuality points to a new era of sexual expression rising from the psychological unconscious where our fantasies reside. For those who do not have a sexual orientation related to a Kink, the revelations of a Fetishsexual aka Kinkster, may appear quite shocking and even pathological. But Fetish fantasies are relatively generic at this point, from the global view. Check out websites like Fetlife, Kinkly and other Kink oriented sites and a pantheon of Erotic archetypal personas can be found that are shown to be woven into the personal Eros of millions of Fetishsexuals.

Individuals can learn to embrace and embody their innate variation of an Erotic archetypal ideal that drives their sexual desire. Fetish driven individuals seek out partners that embrace and personalize the particular Erotic counterpart to their own. Daddy/daughter orientations, one of the most prevalent pairings in the Fetish dating and mating realms, is a prime example. Most often there is a complex variety of related sexual persona that blends into an overall persona. These erotic personas can range from mild to extreme, from sensual to sadistic and from refined to primitive. Many will dance between both poles in an exquisite paradox of ecstasy. This assumes the dance is preformed in a consensual, negotiated manner with a trusted partner.

Here is an excerpt from a client who describes her dark edged desires for objectification, ownership, dehumanization and control. It was ultimately her gateway to a deeply felt and exhilarating freedom

“I am really compelled by the feeling of being an object. A piece of property to be used and manipulated as my Master/Owner desires. The object has no voice and no need other than to serve its purpose. It’s very stimulating for me to feel this type of rush, my mind literally is brain-washed. When my ass is being violated, my mind and body work in tandem…this is what my purpose is, it feels violating and it is, i am just a whore, my body is owned…it is supposed to endure and receive…be open and accepting…be surrendered. It’s a degrading process to feel my asshole being stretched and then to make it relax and open…normally I would struggle and resist…but in this state of mind…I can surrender.

The dehumanized feeling…I don’t want to say it turns me into a robot but it does in some ways. I guess it allows me to be “molded”…if you want a whore, then that’s what I am…if you want a pain-slut…then that’s what I am…if you want me to beg for abuse…then that’s what I do…if you say to swallow the butt plug up my ass…then that’s what I do.

It feels amazing to be free of control, to do what I am told and to be hungry and eager for it. I find the thought of clamps, weights, plugs, and degrading body-writings all do wonders at shedding my dignity. Having my hands bound also helps prevent any resistance and keeps me in my place. In this state, I am a whore but I’m not thinking about cumming just about being good property.”

And another description from a sub male POV from my Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey.

I am wearing a leash and naked. She is fully clothed except for her boots, which I take off one by one. She then asks me to lick her nylons or socks. She enjoys it, saying that I was doing a good job. Then she takes off her socks, and asks me to lick her toes. We are in her bedroom whilst this is going on. She is watching Dirty Dancing and enjoying my company. Finally I get a reward, to lick her pussy and her feet, to pleasure her. It is a sub’s ultimate reward. I don’t leave her until she is fully pleasured.”

For many people though, their erotic personas are still buried, just out of conscious reach. There is awareness of a compelling desire…to be dominated or to submit, to be taken, raped, to have innocence violated, to be in total control, to be a slut, and all other variations of desire. When I ask a client about more detail of what that might look like for them, they often don’t know. “I just want to be taken, told what to do,” may be as much detail as they can muster. It was rather shocking at first, just how hard it was for people to really look at what drove them to orgasm. Then I realized they had no tools, no map, no hand-holds to get past their fearful psychological gatekeepers and into the deeper territory of their Eros. They knew it was there, they wanted in, but were perpetually stuck at the threshold.

This stuckness is a cultural malaise that stems from a sex-negative moral imperative so severe we often do not even realize we are living in a sexually disembodied and disconnected state. We are an overly “heady” culture that lives from the neck up. We are simply not taught to access the wisdom of the body, our emotions, our sexual depths and the potent imaginal, creative, symbolic dimensions of consciousness.

The premise of a PEM is that you have an erotic persona(s) as distinct and unique as a fingerprint. It is an authentic, true presence whenever your sexual desire is aroused. It has a definite agenda and personification when aroused, things it says, tone of voice, attire, setting, other counterpart personas to your own, unique body language et al. It is embedded in a story, or more precisely, a Personal Erotic Myth..

Knowing your PEM can open you to unimagined sexual ecstasy,  deepen intimacy in your relationships,  help you avoid erotic mismatches in long-term relationships and create more successful  relationship outcomes!

If you need support to glimpse the inner storylines or myth(s) that you ride to orgasm, or other deep erotic state, you might find it helpful to take my anonymous online “Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey” (http://GalenFous.com/pem ). You can also review the provocative results of over two thousand others who have also taken the survey. Your participation also supports my research into the nature of Fetishsexuality, and I would greatly appreciate and welcome your participation.

This material is excerpted from my new book Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires available on Amazon.

GalenFous.magAbout the Author: As a sex-positive therapist and sex-educator Galen has worked with hundreds of men, women and couples who’ve sought support to be honest and empowered in who they are sexually, and heal from the decades of fear, shame, trauma and harsh judgments that held their authentic desire back. He has a Master’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology, with an emphasis on authentic sexual expression. He regularly presents at a variety of Sexuality related conferences and lectures at universities and grad schools on sex-positive psychological models. Galen has been interviewed and written for numerous media such as Playboy radio, Mic, the Good Men Project and others for his innovative views and research on conscious sexuality and the nature of Fetishsexuality, aka Kink. He has been advocating for sex positive approaches to understanding the complex nature of sexual desire and active in the Sex-Positive Psychology, Fetish/Kink, and Conscious Sexuality communities since 1998. His private client practice is located in Portland, OR. In person, phone or Skype sessions can be arranged through his website Galen Fous MTP Look for his new book, “ Man on a Mission – defining your personal code of masculinity” in the summer of 2016.

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