Married sex gets a bad rap sometimes, particularly when it comes to wives not being in the mood for sex. We are all familiar with the joke; “How to you get your girlfriend to stop having sex? Marry her.” Anyone who has been married for any length of time knows there are a whole lot of distractions that can cause a dwindling libido for both men and women.
When we were newly married, my husband and I focused our attention solely on each other. It was all new and so effortless. Sure we had to work, but that was secondary to our time together. Having fun, exploring and making love whenever we could was first and foremost.
A few years later we had a couple of kids and then things got REAL. We now had the financial stresses of raising a family and two new little people that had a never ending need for attention. Working outside the home, constant upkeep of a home and taking care and nursing two babies sucked all the energy out of me. Trying to have sex with no interruptions was one thing, but trying to have enough energy to be in the mood, when I felt so wiped out? Now that was an ongoing challenge.
As for my husband, he was feeling the immense pressure to support his young family and was absent a good deal of the time, working long hours and coming home late. So it wasn’t like he was all ramped up ready to jump in the sac regularly either. Hoping for that elusive moment when we both wanted to have sex at the same time became a constant. It seemed everything interfered with us bonding sexually and it was putting a real strain on our relationship.
Sometime later I asked numerous women that had older kids in grammar school, how they managed to have sexy time with their hubbies. The answer? Most didn’t, and when they did have any kind of date night, they said many times they were at a loss on what to talk about with their husbands if they didn’t discuss the kids. The more alarming fact was these women just accepted this as a the next stage in their life!! Seriously? I couldn’t imagine, not being able to talk with my best friend about anything but our children. And I was most definitely not planning on becoming celibate in my marriage.
It seemed that the common practice in most families was putting so much focus and energy into raising their children, many couples didn’t continue to put time and effort into nurturing their sexual intimacy and friendship with their spouses. The irony, is the strength and health of the parental relationship is paramount to the emotional, mental and physical health and well being of the children and the family unit. But it seemed any effort spent on this was regulated to “if we time, we’ll get to it.” Well… I saw the writing on the wall and refused to have that scenario in our future. It was time we took a concerted effort to look at our personal and family priorities.
Listen to me when I say… it is IMPERATIVE that you make your sex life and romantic time alone AWAY of your children a main priority in your life if you want your marriage to remain happy and strong. Don’t get wrong, I know it’s tough to get regular nights alone without the kids, especially when money is tight. Just paying for a babysitter will double the cost for a movie and dinner and your talking about dropping $100-$200 a date night. It’s just not realistic for many couples. Notice I said tough, not impossible. You just have to get creative and network a bit with other couples; friends and family that have children.
I started arranging overnight play dates for our kids with their cousins and friends. Every month we would volunteer to have their kids overnight to play with ours and give Mom and Dad much needed time alone and then that couple would reciprocate the favor. It was magical! The anticipation of looking forward to our date night not only made the sex hotter on date night, it actually ramped up our sex during the month as well, because it was on our mind more often, talking about what we wanted to do and making plans, like we did when were dating – pre-children.
A lot of date nights we would go place we wouldn’t normally take young children, but sometimes we would just stay home and have a nice romantic night with candles, erotic music, great food and loud, hot sex. The benefits we received were immense, both individually and as a couple, just being able to focus on each other with no interruption helped us feel closer, less resentful and strengthened us a team. As time went on we sometimes fell out of the habit getting distracted with being too busy with the kids activities or other obligations we had. And when that happened, boy, did we feel it. No problem, we just readjusted and got back on track.
The long term benefits that came out of our priority shift were truly amazing. Our children are now young adults and brag to their friends about having parents that were always madly in love, while most of their friends come from divorced marriages. Yes, we had disagreements and fights, but because we connected with each other regularly, we learned how to communicate, look at ourselves and come to productive resolutions. Our kids grew up in a happy, harmonious home, where they always felt safe to express themselves and learned what to expect in a healthy relationship. Today as adults, they steer clear of unhealthy people so they can avoid the crazy drama that comes with those kinds of relationships. Nurturing our relationship made our marriage stronger and helped it weather the tougher times that every couple encounters.
Twenty five years later, we are empty nesters and have brought our sexual exploration to new levels with more role playing and a little BDSM thrown in. We both investigate new things and surprise each other to keep it from ever getting dull. Which is a whole other story. 🙂